Coming Apart at the Seams

I know what my mother would say to me..........."This too shall pass." Maybe I'll give her a call later so I can hear her say it. I know that the struggles of today will not be with me forever and those words gives me some comfort but then I look around me at my 1/2 put together, 1/2 falling apart, 1/2 clean, 1/2 messy house and feel disheartened. I look down at the weird outfit I pulled out of a basket of what I think was clean clothes in the dark this morning and wonder what the other moms on the school playground thought of my garnet colored sweatpants paired with a light purple shirt. And as I sigh over the frumpy, rumpled, mismatched ensemble I've thrown on my back I notice my big belly, spreading thighs and think of the ample backyard behind me and I sigh again.

I feel like I'm 1/2 way there on everything right now and the struggle to be "whole" is making me feel like coming apart at the seams. I constantly feel the weight of everything I have to do: clean house, make meals, no, make HEALTHY meals, exercise, lose weight, give the kids attention, sort through all our crap from the move, sell most of the crap on craigslist, finish decorating my home, read my Bible, pray, find a playgroup for Baby Girl, find friends for myself, make dentist appointments, balance the family budget, set up some therapies for Bear, laundry, laundry, laundry, oh and did I mention laundry? I feel buried and paralyzed most of the time and I'm tired of feeling this way. Will I ever have a clean, organized home? Will I ever lose weight? Will I ever give God part of my day to read His word and pray? Will I ever feel like I've done enough for my kids?

In an effort to get out from under the "rubble" of my daily list of "to do's" I have been staying up until 12-1am trying to finish up all the work I have from left over from the day. It doesn't seem to be helping. I'm exhausted and honestly not much more put together than I normally am. Certainly not more organized enough to be worth losing all that sleep. I keep thinking if I just had some help I would be more together but I can't think of what people could help me with except take care of my kids I guess. But then they will bring the kids back to me and I will struggle to maintain what I've organized!!!!! I feel like I need full-time daycare to be a SAHM. How ridiculous is that statement?!?!?!?! I often struggle with the thought that I should just go back to work, hire a full-time, full-charge nanny/household manager and let someone else do my job because I suck at it.

Why do I think I suck at it? It seems like other moms are more together than I am. I look at the other moms in the morning taking their kids to school and they have matching outfits on, look like they have showered in the past two days and some of them even have MAKE-UP on! They don't look haggard, or frustrated or tired. Another example, I am trying to join a babysitting co-op and I went to a couple of "meet-and-greets" this weekend. A "meet-and-greet" is when you go to one of the co-ops homes to check it out and make sure you feel comfortable taking your child there. The two ladies homes I visited were much more put together than mine! Well, you just moved, you might say to me. Well, these ladies just moved too. One moved into her home in March and the other in June (which is when I moved in to this house). Well, you have a special needs child, you might say to me. Well, the one mom had a down syndrome toddler AND 3 children like I do. SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? Do I not know how to be a homemaker or am I just lazy? Are these two moms the exception to the rule? Somehow I have a sneaking suspicion that they are not. I am the exception to the rule.

It doesn't help that I am married to the poster boy for organization. My DH is orderly, on-time, disciplined and responsible. His "yes means yes" and his "no means no". He does what he says he will do and he does it right away. Sometimes I console myself with the fact that when he does his work he doesn't have 3 little people hanging on his legs keeping him from his work but I think he could do my job better even with the kids hanging all over him.

Gosh, I'm in a foul mood and done complaining now. The pity party is over gotta get back to work. This too shall pass.........I think.