Thursday Thoughts on My Faith

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is." -Albert Camus

I often struggle with doubt about the existence of God. There, I said it plain and simple. I hate this part of my Spiritual life and I work very hard to work through these doubts. I pray and pray for unshakable faith. I ask God to grant me the faith I had as a child. Some days I'm more convinced of His existence than others but I am comforted by the fact that God exists whether I believe in Him or not that day and that nothing can snatch me out of His hands. Not even my own doubting soul. You see, I think that deep down I always believe in God but sometimes "weeds" from the world or spiritual enemies deplete my heart of the water and nutrients it needs to follow God with my whole heart.

These times of doubting used to really freak me out. I would go through these times of spiritual crisis every couple of years or at times every couple of months and I would worry that my salvation was in jeopardy for having such thoughts. Now, when I go through my "Doubting Thomas" phases I look at them in a different light. First off, I see it for what it is: Spiritual Warfare. Well, that's what it I think it is most of the time. Little seeds of doubt are a powerful weapon of the enemy and if left unchecked they can grow into horrible weeds. I also see it as a time to draw near to God and allow Him to renew my faith. He always does. I no longer fear these doubts I have, I just bring them to God and He blesses me with comfort and faith.

I just went through one of these doubting times which is what made me think to write about it today. I think it was brought on by learning a couple of DH's family members have walked away from God. It broke my heart to hear of it and then it made me wonder why they chose to leave the faith. I started thinking about what intelligent individuals these people are and satan began to sow a seed of doubt when I thought maybe they know something I don't. So for the hundredth time in my life I evaluated my faith. Here's what I came up with this time: First of all the above quote by Camus. How true is that? Second, I was thinking about what I would "miss out on" if I wasn't a Christian. Um, nothing. Nothing of value anyway. I suppose I would miss out on many consequences of more liberal behavior. Like STD's for example. I'm sure at the end of my life I will really be sad I didn't experience herpes. But if I wasn't a believer of Christ I would miss out of some very valuable things. I would miss out on peace, knowing that when I face circumstances beyond my ability there is a higher power taking care of things.

Some might say (and HAVE said) that I would miss out on "great ideas" being so "closed minded" as a Christian. Well, for me, the Bible contains enough brain food to keep me satisfied for most likely my entire life. Plus, it seems like every time I hear some great new thought the world presents I've seen it in the Bible somewhere. I'm sure there are other things people would say I'm missing by being a Christian but for now I don't think I am. All-in-all I like my life and the way I've chosen to live it so what have I lost???

I've had more thoughts and experiences during this doubting period that are difficult to put into words. I guess it's just intimate stuff between me and the Lord. But I definitely feel my faith renewed and my doubts are gone for now. I've come through another period of doubt and am stronger for it. Just like always, God met me in that doubting place and delivered me back again. How great is God, how faithful! How imperfect and sheep-like am I. I don't know what I'd do without Him. When ever I need to double check and like Thomas put my fingers in his pierced side He lets me. His grace is unfathomable........................