The Seemingly Unbreakable Cycle

It happens every month. I have a cycle. Well, a cycle within The Cycle that most women ages 12-50 go through each month. I have an eating/exercise cycle that tracks right along with my Menstrual cycle. This Diet and Exercise Cycle keeps me from losing weight and being healthy. I'm hoping by blogging about it here I might gain some insight to this cycle and help me make some plans to overcome it!

Week 1: After Aunt Flo Leaves Town
Right after my period is over and my hormones stabalize I am PUMPED and ready to get healthy and lose weight. In the week after Auntie Flo leaves, I clean out my kitchen of sugar and other crap and I schedule time to exercise (and actually do it). I feel fantastic! I'm happy, healthy chomping down on salads and busily cooking up new healthy recipes and some old favorites too. I take pictures of myself to start an accurate weight loss record and I also begin some sort of "weight loss journal". While I take long, vigorous walks around the neighborhood I fantasize about what I'm going to say to Oprah in my interview about how I lost all the weight. I start thinking about how I can't wait to buy clothes that are not in the "Plus Size" department and I scan JJill catalogs and dream about all the clothes I'm going to buy and how friggin' cute I will look in them! I imagine my family members faces when they see me for the first time after I lose all the weight. I see myself sitting with an umbrella drink on a white sandy beach with my (also newly slender) husband enjoying the sunset and then heading back to our hotel room to rediscover each other in our new bodies....TMI? Sorry. I usually lose 1-3 pounds during this week and feel optimistic and hopeful about a healthy future.

Week 2: A Few Obstacles Are Encountered
Something almost always happens that throws me off track. One of the kids gets sick and I have to stay up all night with them. So I'm too tired to exercise the next day but I still eat healthy. Then the next day I'm catching up with housework, bills, laundry etc and don't exercise because I can't seem to find the time. It's usually on day 2 I eat something that seems harmless but I know deep down is a "cheat" for me. Like yogurt covered pretzels for example. Then on day 3 I make a 1/2 attempt at exercise and eat something I'm really not supposed to or I just over eat something healthy. Day 4, it just keeps getting worse......you get the picture. By the end of the week I've find myself at a drive-thru window. I usually maintain the weight loss from the previous week or gain 1 lb back.

Week 3: Getting Progressively Out of Control
During this week Aunt Flo visit is getting close and I start snapping at my children. I bawl at something I wouldn't normally. Like an endearing commercial or say, writing a thank you email to my son's teacher (I did that today). So the hormones levels are dropping and I'm slowly becoming a cross between the Wicked Witch and Shrek. My family starts avoiding me. I hate the entire contents of my closet because they make me look like a blue whale. I have terrible, doubting thoughts about myself. I become convinced that everyone, even my own mother, hates me. I get easily frustrated and overwhelmed and begin to feel very, very anxious and then....voila! A pig out. Pizza with a Ben and Jerry's chaser, a supersized Jack in the Box meal, donuts for breakfast, lasanga for lunch and big beefy burritos for dinner. All topped off with a bucket of ice cream......Okay, so I'm exaggerating but not as much as I'd like to be. I try desperately every day to "get back on the wagon". I make a dramatic pledge every night to get up at 5am and go running (I don't run for exercise). I starve myself for an entire morning in an attempt to fast for the day, scourging myself only to give in and totally pig out around 3pm. And of course when I don't follow through on these unrealistic expectations for myself I begin to loathe myself and my thoughts turn very ugly. I always gain back whatever weight was lost in Week One and sometimes an extra pound or two with it.

Week 4: Good Ole Aunt Flo Comes for a Visit
As soon as my period arrives I feel almost instant relief. Physically, I'm not so good, I feel bloated, ugly and crampy but emotionally I gently mother myself and tell myself "it's all gonna be okay now". I begin to realize that the previous week was just PMS and I'm not a horrible person who can't stick to her goals. I have a reason "why" and it makes me feel better. I don't tend to eat horribly during this week but I don't really limit myself either. I don't usually binge but part of that "gentle mothering" of myself is to say to myself, "you've been through a lot dear, have a cookie." So I have a few cookies or treat myself to lunch at Panera. I definitely don't exercise during this week, I'm too physically uncomfortable. Towards the end of this week I'm already starting to make new plans for "Week One" and I'm optimistic about a healthy future again. I find myself anxious to get started on a new path. However, I tend to avoid the scale this week, I don't look at JJill catalogs or take any pictures of myself.

Now a very important note on the cycle above: a handful of times (one time actually just 2 months ago) I have made it through to Week 3 (PMS week) without "falling off the wagon" during Week 2. A very few times I have eaten right and exercised faithfully through Week 2. Do you know what happens? If I don't eat sugar and flour and get moderate exercise Aunt Flo arrives with almost ZERO PMS! I usually feel great up until about the day before and then I get grouchy and find myself strongly craving sweets. What generally happens in this situation is I go crazy for a day or two, binge a couple of times and don't exercise. Then Week 4 plays out pretty much the same as I stated above. I still don't exercise in Week 4 and I kindly give myself "treats" for braving the monthly "curse". So braving through and keeping up healthy habits during Week 2 is good but I still don't lose weight because whatever I lose in Week 1 & 2 I gain back in Week 4.

So as I type this I realize, the first thing I have to do is keep up the momentum during Week 2. Don't let anything get me off track because Week 3 is coming and she is a nasty bitch if I don't take care of myself during Week 2. You see I think I could just "push through" difficulties during Week 2. It could be challenging if I've been up all night with a sick kid or have a major event like putting together a Cub Scout Pack meeting BUT I'm not fighting my hormones too. So it's more of a physical fight than an emotional one. Once the emotions start, I just can't reason with that girl! I can't get her off her ass to save my life. She just cries and says, "Nobody loves me, who cares if I die early from heart disease! Please pass the brownies." You can't reason with PMS. So goal #1 is to make PMS as short and easy as possible by powering through the almost inevitable road blocks of Week 2.

But now on to Week 4. It would be hard to just "power through", I'm still a little emotional and tender. Maybe give myself 2-3 days and then try to force my self to get back to it? What do you do to coach yourself during PMS and Aunt Flo? My guess is most women eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's or an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels once or twice a month but how do you keep it from being more than just one incident? How do you recover when you are a hormonal beast and get back to healthy eating and exercise? I really, really want some ideas. Anyone? Anyone? How do you maintain healthy habits in the eye of the estrogen storm?

Aunt Flo is due any day. I don't think I can do much about Miss PMS at this point but what do I do once Auntie is here?

I need some accountability

Okay, so I started eating right over a week ago and I began to exercise 2 days ago. It's been good. I feel great! Getting sugar and flour out of my system always feels so fantastic I wonder why I ever eat them. And I love to exercise so the past 2 days have been fun buttttt...there's always a but! And mine is a pretty big butt so I have to quit making excuses and LOSE THIS WEIGHT!

Today I "slipped up". Just a little bit, not seemingly a big deal, I ate a few yogurt covered pretzels. I know, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. I'm not ready to snack on a handful of yogurt covered pretzels. I know I'm not ready because I honestly ate more than I planned to. However, I chose to acknowledge the mistake and move on. In the past I'd write off the whole day if I slipped up. It would start with a fairly harmless little snack and end up with pizza and brownies for dinner. So, I dun good, I dun good. I made sure my next meal was healthy and I refused to give myself permission to go totally off the wagon. Also, I patted myself on the back. Why? Because my "slip up" was almost a FAST FOOD LUNCH!!! I was hungry, I was out and about and I was a little stressed. Those three things usually land me at a drive-thru window BUT I held my ground! So between Jack-in-the-Crack and yogurt covered pretzels I chose the lesser of two evils and I gave myself kudos.

Now, for exercise. I knew day 3 would be the hardest. It always is when I'm trying to establish an exercise habit. I say to myself, "Self, you have worked out for 2 days and there are so many other things to do! Pay attention to other things." And then 3 months go by before I elevate my heart rate again. It's not because I don't want to exercise, like I said above, I like to exercise but I get behind in something else in my life because I was spending time working out. However, I honestly don't have the time to work out but have finally come to the conclusion that I need to lose weight and become healthier so something else will have to "give". Exercise has to be a priority!

You probably wonder what happened today. Well, I had an unexpected appointment, I had to take Monkey Man to the doctor this morning, and my whole morning was thrown off. By the time we got back from the doc, the grocery store and the pharmacy I was a bit pooped. I started to worry that I wouldn't work out today since it's getting on in the afternoon and I have bathrooms that are screaming to be cleaned not to mention a mound of laundry. But everyday I have something in my house that screams to be cleaned and I always have a mound of laundry. Soooo, I ate a healthy lunch, sat here and blogged a bit while it digested and now dear friends, I am going to get on some workout clothes and move my big butt! T-Tapp and Wii Fit...here I come!

Thanks you cyberspace for listening and holding me accountable.