I have been a bit of an emotional and mental mess for the past few weeks and I couldn't figure out why. Not a terrible mess mind you, just a little bit. I've been feeling pressure building up inside me that effects my daily life. I realized a few days ago that I need to blow off some steam. Not anger, just relase the ideas, thoughts and feelings that circle in my head like planes waiting to land. I just have "stuff" buzzing around inside of my head that I have to get out or I start to feel a little nuts and I now realize my blog helps me do that. I haven't blogged for several months now and I guess I need to! So here I am again publicly sharing my private thoughts with the world.....well not too private. For some reason a diary doesn't do for me what blogging does. Maybe it's because I know a handful of my friends read it and smile, laugh, shout or cry with me. In college I used to have a diary that I wrote on my computer in a Word document....maybe it's just the typing? Either way, I love to blog and I need to blog so here I am!
I also started a new blog with a different subject matter a few days ago, you can check it out here: Seeking To Glorify Him. I love Blogger.com but I used Wordpress for this one. I just wanted to see what other blog sites have to offer. I am liking Wordpress but not any more than blogger....anyway! I'll let my new blog speak for itself.
Okay, kids are awake and I have to get on with my day. However, to keep my sanity, I will be spilling my thoughts here soon so stay tuned.....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Didn't Make it
FYI, we didn't make it the full 5 days. John and I broke our fast last night. For several reasons, I feel okay about it. Three days is pretty good. I feel a lot better! Well, that's it. Just didn't want anyone praying for me unnecessarily =}.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 3 of a 5 Day Fast
I'm not gonna lie, the last 2 days have been rough. I've done this 5-day Fasting cleanse twice before and it's never been this hard. I almost gave up multiple times but my husband and some time in the Word got me through it.
I'm struggling in the flesh and also in the spirit. As far as my flesh goes, I think I have an ulcer (I've suspected it for some time) and when I feel hunger during this fast it's painful. The pain subsides and never gets out of hand but it still hurts when I'm hungry. Sometimes I feel quite nauseous too. The other thing I'm struggling with is the stuff I have to drink to, um, clean me out. It's pure bulk fiber and I have to drink it 5 times a day. The taste isn't bad, you are supposed to drink it in apple juice and I like apple juice. It has ginger in it which burns a bit but still not bad. It's the texture I have trouble with. It's gritty, sandy and a bit like applesauce. John just opens his throat and down it goes in one gulp. It takes me several sips because if I take too much in my mouth at once I spit it out or worse, gag. Okay, more info than you probably wanted to know, I won't share with you the other "end" of this cleanse.....
Now for the spiritual struggle. I HAVE TO LET GO OF FOOD. I have to put food back in it's proper place as enjoyable nourishment and keep it there. Food has been my god for years and I have to dethrone it, or better yet allow God to work in me so I have the power to dethrone food. Like I said in my last post, I've done this fast before with the intention of focusing on God while fasting trying to make it not only physically valuable but spiritually as well. I also said in my last post that I've never really made time to focus on God during one of these fasts, never opened myself up to what He wants to teach me. Yesterday, I had no choice. The first day of the fast was HORRIBLE. I felt sick, nauseous all day, weak, grouchy and angry. By dinner time I was done. I kept thinking over and over, "I don't want to do this, I can't do this..." Hubby got me through dinnertime and to bed. I figured I would feel better in the morning so I powered through. I slept terribly, waking up with mild pain in my stomach several times. I woke up in an awful mood the next morning. I was ready to quit and planning on it. I started talking with my husband and that wasn't helping, I was still going to give up. But I heard the Still Small Voice calling to me and decided to spend some time spiritually nourishing myself.
I went outside with my Bible and journal and opened myself up to God. It was amazingly refreshing and really filled me up. God pointed out some very specific things He wanted to work in me and how He was going to do it. The time with Him really got me back on track. Not that I'm surprised, why do we Christians avoid time with God when we know it's going to help us!
So, I'm plugging along, haven't eaten since Thursday at dinner. I still feel the pain when I get hungry but it's lessening. I don't know if there will be more spiritual battles to fight in the next couple of days. I do know what to do though when and if they come however. Tomorrow the boys go back to school and my daughter is now in pre-school so I will have, 2 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES TO MYSELF! I plan to do a bit of house cleaning that I've been neglecting but I also plan to spend some uninterrupted time with God doing a different kind of cleaning that has also been put on the back burner. In the midst of child-rearing and homemaking I have forgotten my first Love in the past couple of years. It's time to remember, it's time to go back to His arms. Why did I ever leave in the first place?
Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be,
Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart O, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
from "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" (my all-time favorite hymn)
I'm struggling in the flesh and also in the spirit. As far as my flesh goes, I think I have an ulcer (I've suspected it for some time) and when I feel hunger during this fast it's painful. The pain subsides and never gets out of hand but it still hurts when I'm hungry. Sometimes I feel quite nauseous too. The other thing I'm struggling with is the stuff I have to drink to, um, clean me out. It's pure bulk fiber and I have to drink it 5 times a day. The taste isn't bad, you are supposed to drink it in apple juice and I like apple juice. It has ginger in it which burns a bit but still not bad. It's the texture I have trouble with. It's gritty, sandy and a bit like applesauce. John just opens his throat and down it goes in one gulp. It takes me several sips because if I take too much in my mouth at once I spit it out or worse, gag. Okay, more info than you probably wanted to know, I won't share with you the other "end" of this cleanse.....
Now for the spiritual struggle. I HAVE TO LET GO OF FOOD. I have to put food back in it's proper place as enjoyable nourishment and keep it there. Food has been my god for years and I have to dethrone it, or better yet allow God to work in me so I have the power to dethrone food. Like I said in my last post, I've done this fast before with the intention of focusing on God while fasting trying to make it not only physically valuable but spiritually as well. I also said in my last post that I've never really made time to focus on God during one of these fasts, never opened myself up to what He wants to teach me. Yesterday, I had no choice. The first day of the fast was HORRIBLE. I felt sick, nauseous all day, weak, grouchy and angry. By dinner time I was done. I kept thinking over and over, "I don't want to do this, I can't do this..." Hubby got me through dinnertime and to bed. I figured I would feel better in the morning so I powered through. I slept terribly, waking up with mild pain in my stomach several times. I woke up in an awful mood the next morning. I was ready to quit and planning on it. I started talking with my husband and that wasn't helping, I was still going to give up. But I heard the Still Small Voice calling to me and decided to spend some time spiritually nourishing myself.
I went outside with my Bible and journal and opened myself up to God. It was amazingly refreshing and really filled me up. God pointed out some very specific things He wanted to work in me and how He was going to do it. The time with Him really got me back on track. Not that I'm surprised, why do we Christians avoid time with God when we know it's going to help us!
So, I'm plugging along, haven't eaten since Thursday at dinner. I still feel the pain when I get hungry but it's lessening. I don't know if there will be more spiritual battles to fight in the next couple of days. I do know what to do though when and if they come however. Tomorrow the boys go back to school and my daughter is now in pre-school so I will have, 2 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES TO MYSELF! I plan to do a bit of house cleaning that I've been neglecting but I also plan to spend some uninterrupted time with God doing a different kind of cleaning that has also been put on the back burner. In the midst of child-rearing and homemaking I have forgotten my first Love in the past couple of years. It's time to remember, it's time to go back to His arms. Why did I ever leave in the first place?
Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be,
Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart O, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
from "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" (my all-time favorite hymn)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Taking Care of Body and Soul
Okay, so I've done this twice before, I'm not a newbie but I find some familiar thoughts and feelings cropping up. And fears, lots of fears. Can I really do this? I wonder. I keep telling myself I've done it before and it is worth it but I'm still nervous about it.
I'm fasting for 5 days. It's a cleansing fast, I use a program from Blessed Herbs. It is an amazing program and really "cleans" you out. You don't even want to know what is in your gut folks. I'm just glad I'm getting it out! If you want to see some gross but fascinating pictures, the website has them here: Intestinal Plaque. Do not look at the pictures if you are feeling queasy at all and BEWARE, the pictures will make you want to do the cleanse! At least that's been my experience and every one I know whose done it too. You look at them and you just have to do it!
Like I said I've done it twice before and always had very good results. My husband does it with me (which I'm still astounded at, it's such a hippie dippie thing to do but, he loves it! He has actually done a fasting cleanse without me when I was pregnant!) But I digress....so I have past experience with this and I have support. What am I so afraid of? I have come to the conclusion that it's a normal process. Fear is a normal part of a big undertaking (and not eating for 5 days is a bit of an "undertaking"...hee hee pun intended). I keep reminding myself that courage is not the absence of fear but courage is doing something in spite of your fears. So, onward I go!
My one goal for this fast that I have never successfully met in the past two fasts I've done is to open myself up to God and focus on spiritual things. I know that sounds funny, a Christian fasting and not focusing on spiritual things but my past two 5-day cleanses have been all about physical health. I didn't plan for them to be that way, I actually planned the opposite. During the previous fasts I prayed and read my Bible some but I didn't the take time to really open myself up to what the Holy Spirit wanted to teach me while I fasted.
I'm rambling a bit so I'll close. Pray for me sisters. Pray that while I cleanse the physical I also cleanse the spiritual. Pray that I will have courage for whatever our Lord has in store.
I'm fasting for 5 days. It's a cleansing fast, I use a program from Blessed Herbs. It is an amazing program and really "cleans" you out. You don't even want to know what is in your gut folks. I'm just glad I'm getting it out! If you want to see some gross but fascinating pictures, the website has them here: Intestinal Plaque. Do not look at the pictures if you are feeling queasy at all and BEWARE, the pictures will make you want to do the cleanse! At least that's been my experience and every one I know whose done it too. You look at them and you just have to do it!
Like I said I've done it twice before and always had very good results. My husband does it with me (which I'm still astounded at, it's such a hippie dippie thing to do but, he loves it! He has actually done a fasting cleanse without me when I was pregnant!) But I digress....so I have past experience with this and I have support. What am I so afraid of? I have come to the conclusion that it's a normal process. Fear is a normal part of a big undertaking (and not eating for 5 days is a bit of an "undertaking"...hee hee pun intended). I keep reminding myself that courage is not the absence of fear but courage is doing something in spite of your fears. So, onward I go!
My one goal for this fast that I have never successfully met in the past two fasts I've done is to open myself up to God and focus on spiritual things. I know that sounds funny, a Christian fasting and not focusing on spiritual things but my past two 5-day cleanses have been all about physical health. I didn't plan for them to be that way, I actually planned the opposite. During the previous fasts I prayed and read my Bible some but I didn't the take time to really open myself up to what the Holy Spirit wanted to teach me while I fasted.
I'm rambling a bit so I'll close. Pray for me sisters. Pray that while I cleanse the physical I also cleanse the spiritual. Pray that I will have courage for whatever our Lord has in store.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Christians are Fans of Twilight? Really????
That's my first response when I see Christian friends of mine all over Facebook "counting down the days" to the Twilight "Eclipse" movie premire tomorrow. Really ladies???? It's about vampires and werewolves, 'nuff said. But of course I will say more.....
It deeply disturbs me when Christians allow movies, TV and books that are blatantly about things of the occult into their lives. It's bad enough that the entertainment industry seeks to subtlety influence the masses with their backwards morality but when it's in your face evil, direct Bible quote evil, and Christians chose to embrace it...I'm dumbfounded.
The first time I heard of the Twilight Series and heard it was about vampires that was it for me. I had no more interest. Well, no, I take that back. I had plenty of interest because several women I knew were talking about it and I wanted to join in. Also, I LOVE a good book and a good series of books? I'm like a kid in a candy store. But I kept coming back to the whole vampire thing and never even cracked the first book open. Some may say to me, "if you've never read it, how can you know it's evil?" Well, to be plain, the Bible tells me so. I could quote a number of verses about staying away from the occult so how do Christians justify this when they read/watch the Twilight series? I realize that I'm a pretty "black and white" thinker and in this world there is room for some Biblical gray but show me the gray here. Vampires=evil according to God's word. And trying spin a story to make vampires=good well according to the Bible that is even MORE EVIL. Wolf in sheep's clothing anyone?
So for me, the bottom line was easy. I convicted that ready the Twilight series would not be pleasing to God and although I was interested in it I would stay away from it. However, my curiosity into what exactly makes it un-Biblical was peaked. So I went to my favorite website for seeking the breakdown of issues from a Biblical perspective, The Christian Research Institute. The article I read there went beyond just the occult factor in discouraging believers in reading the Twilight Series. It was a fascinating article by Stephen Ross, here is my favorite quote:
The Twilight love saga, then, may be the ultimate female coming-of-age fantasy that our biblically illiterate culture can offer, and, as such, this captivating story evokes dangerously false expectations in young women that no man could ever satisfy. In fact, given that female sexuality is quite naturally relational, far more so than young male sexuality, the comparison that comes to mind is that Twilight is to female sexuality what pornography is to male sexuality. As young men all too naturally tend to objectify women, and pornography intensifies that tendency, so young women tend to idealize and idolize young men, and Twilight exacerbates that tendency. Under such influences, neither sex sees the opposite sex as they should.
Ross's article goes on to talk about the Mormon features of the series as well. The author Stephanie Meyer is a devout Mormon and apparently Twilight is intensely flavored with the beliefs of that heretical cult. Edward, the hero in the story, is an immortal being, a god if you will. Mormonism teaches that in the afterlife good Mormon men will be gods over their own universe. Mormonism is also a salvation through works doctrine and in the Twilight Series Edwards "good deeds" are highlighted. Deeds like "trying not to drink human blood" and eschewing pre-marital sex with the lead female character because he's afraid he might kill her during the act. Wow, those are some mighty wonderful works! Praise be to...hmmm...who? Who shall we praise for this???
Okay, now my struggle. I am so passionate about getting Christian women to STOP reading and watching this unholy trash I want to do something about it. But what? Every time I open my big mouth I get persecuted for being "judgmental". I'm not judging people, just the sin they are engaged in. I have a myriad of sins myself (many of which I discuss in this blog) and am far from perfect but I know God uses "jars of clay" to speak through. Maybe He is encouraging me to speak. I'll prayerfully seek God's will but for now this seriously cracked "jar of clay" will stand on her soapbox in a safe place, her blog.
Note: I'm sorry if I've offended any of my 4 readers. I can't remember if any you read Twilight or not. I don't mean to judge anyone, this issue really gets under my skin and I had to say something somewhere or it was going to burst out of my chest! Again, sorry to have offended any Twilight readers. And if you have evidence to refute anything in the article by Stephen Ross I would love to hear it!
It deeply disturbs me when Christians allow movies, TV and books that are blatantly about things of the occult into their lives. It's bad enough that the entertainment industry seeks to subtlety influence the masses with their backwards morality but when it's in your face evil, direct Bible quote evil, and Christians chose to embrace it...I'm dumbfounded.
The first time I heard of the Twilight Series and heard it was about vampires that was it for me. I had no more interest. Well, no, I take that back. I had plenty of interest because several women I knew were talking about it and I wanted to join in. Also, I LOVE a good book and a good series of books? I'm like a kid in a candy store. But I kept coming back to the whole vampire thing and never even cracked the first book open. Some may say to me, "if you've never read it, how can you know it's evil?" Well, to be plain, the Bible tells me so. I could quote a number of verses about staying away from the occult so how do Christians justify this when they read/watch the Twilight series? I realize that I'm a pretty "black and white" thinker and in this world there is room for some Biblical gray but show me the gray here. Vampires=evil according to God's word. And trying spin a story to make vampires=good well according to the Bible that is even MORE EVIL. Wolf in sheep's clothing anyone?
So for me, the bottom line was easy. I convicted that ready the Twilight series would not be pleasing to God and although I was interested in it I would stay away from it. However, my curiosity into what exactly makes it un-Biblical was peaked. So I went to my favorite website for seeking the breakdown of issues from a Biblical perspective, The Christian Research Institute. The article I read there went beyond just the occult factor in discouraging believers in reading the Twilight Series. It was a fascinating article by Stephen Ross, here is my favorite quote:
The Twilight love saga, then, may be the ultimate female coming-of-age fantasy that our biblically illiterate culture can offer, and, as such, this captivating story evokes dangerously false expectations in young women that no man could ever satisfy. In fact, given that female sexuality is quite naturally relational, far more so than young male sexuality, the comparison that comes to mind is that Twilight is to female sexuality what pornography is to male sexuality. As young men all too naturally tend to objectify women, and pornography intensifies that tendency, so young women tend to idealize and idolize young men, and Twilight exacerbates that tendency. Under such influences, neither sex sees the opposite sex as they should.
Ross's article goes on to talk about the Mormon features of the series as well. The author Stephanie Meyer is a devout Mormon and apparently Twilight is intensely flavored with the beliefs of that heretical cult. Edward, the hero in the story, is an immortal being, a god if you will. Mormonism teaches that in the afterlife good Mormon men will be gods over their own universe. Mormonism is also a salvation through works doctrine and in the Twilight Series Edwards "good deeds" are highlighted. Deeds like "trying not to drink human blood" and eschewing pre-marital sex with the lead female character because he's afraid he might kill her during the act. Wow, those are some mighty wonderful works! Praise be to...hmmm...who? Who shall we praise for this???
Okay, now my struggle. I am so passionate about getting Christian women to STOP reading and watching this unholy trash I want to do something about it. But what? Every time I open my big mouth I get persecuted for being "judgmental". I'm not judging people, just the sin they are engaged in. I have a myriad of sins myself (many of which I discuss in this blog) and am far from perfect but I know God uses "jars of clay" to speak through. Maybe He is encouraging me to speak. I'll prayerfully seek God's will but for now this seriously cracked "jar of clay" will stand on her soapbox in a safe place, her blog.
Note: I'm sorry if I've offended any of my 4 readers. I can't remember if any you read Twilight or not. I don't mean to judge anyone, this issue really gets under my skin and I had to say something somewhere or it was going to burst out of my chest! Again, sorry to have offended any Twilight readers. And if you have evidence to refute anything in the article by Stephen Ross I would love to hear it!
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Seemingly Unbreakable Cycle
It happens every month. I have a cycle. Well, a cycle within The Cycle that most women ages 12-50 go through each month. I have an eating/exercise cycle that tracks right along with my Menstrual cycle. This Diet and Exercise Cycle keeps me from losing weight and being healthy. I'm hoping by blogging about it here I might gain some insight to this cycle and help me make some plans to overcome it!
Week 1: After Aunt Flo Leaves Town
Right after my period is over and my hormones stabalize I am PUMPED and ready to get healthy and lose weight. In the week after Auntie Flo leaves, I clean out my kitchen of sugar and other crap and I schedule time to exercise (and actually do it). I feel fantastic! I'm happy, healthy chomping down on salads and busily cooking up new healthy recipes and some old favorites too. I take pictures of myself to start an accurate weight loss record and I also begin some sort of "weight loss journal". While I take long, vigorous walks around the neighborhood I fantasize about what I'm going to say to Oprah in my interview about how I lost all the weight. I start thinking about how I can't wait to buy clothes that are not in the "Plus Size" department and I scan JJill catalogs and dream about all the clothes I'm going to buy and how friggin' cute I will look in them! I imagine my family members faces when they see me for the first time after I lose all the weight. I see myself sitting with an umbrella drink on a white sandy beach with my (also newly slender) husband enjoying the sunset and then heading back to our hotel room to rediscover each other in our new bodies....TMI? Sorry. I usually lose 1-3 pounds during this week and feel optimistic and hopeful about a healthy future.
Week 2: A Few Obstacles Are Encountered
Something almost always happens that throws me off track. One of the kids gets sick and I have to stay up all night with them. So I'm too tired to exercise the next day but I still eat healthy. Then the next day I'm catching up with housework, bills, laundry etc and don't exercise because I can't seem to find the time. It's usually on day 2 I eat something that seems harmless but I know deep down is a "cheat" for me. Like yogurt covered pretzels for example. Then on day 3 I make a 1/2 attempt at exercise and eat something I'm really not supposed to or I just over eat something healthy. Day 4, it just keeps getting worse......you get the picture. By the end of the week I've find myself at a drive-thru window. I usually maintain the weight loss from the previous week or gain 1 lb back.
Week 3: Getting Progressively Out of Control
During this week Aunt Flo visit is getting close and I start snapping at my children. I bawl at something I wouldn't normally. Like an endearing commercial or say, writing a thank you email to my son's teacher (I did that today). So the hormones levels are dropping and I'm slowly becoming a cross between the Wicked Witch and Shrek. My family starts avoiding me. I hate the entire contents of my closet because they make me look like a blue whale. I have terrible, doubting thoughts about myself. I become convinced that everyone, even my own mother, hates me. I get easily frustrated and overwhelmed and begin to feel very, very anxious and then....voila! A pig out. Pizza with a Ben and Jerry's chaser, a supersized Jack in the Box meal, donuts for breakfast, lasanga for lunch and big beefy burritos for dinner. All topped off with a bucket of ice cream......Okay, so I'm exaggerating but not as much as I'd like to be. I try desperately every day to "get back on the wagon". I make a dramatic pledge every night to get up at 5am and go running (I don't run for exercise). I starve myself for an entire morning in an attempt to fast for the day, scourging myself only to give in and totally pig out around 3pm. And of course when I don't follow through on these unrealistic expectations for myself I begin to loathe myself and my thoughts turn very ugly. I always gain back whatever weight was lost in Week One and sometimes an extra pound or two with it.
Week 4: Good Ole Aunt Flo Comes for a Visit
As soon as my period arrives I feel almost instant relief. Physically, I'm not so good, I feel bloated, ugly and crampy but emotionally I gently mother myself and tell myself "it's all gonna be okay now". I begin to realize that the previous week was just PMS and I'm not a horrible person who can't stick to her goals. I have a reason "why" and it makes me feel better. I don't tend to eat horribly during this week but I don't really limit myself either. I don't usually binge but part of that "gentle mothering" of myself is to say to myself, "you've been through a lot dear, have a cookie." So I have a few cookies or treat myself to lunch at Panera. I definitely don't exercise during this week, I'm too physically uncomfortable. Towards the end of this week I'm already starting to make new plans for "Week One" and I'm optimistic about a healthy future again. I find myself anxious to get started on a new path. However, I tend to avoid the scale this week, I don't look at JJill catalogs or take any pictures of myself.
Now a very important note on the cycle above: a handful of times (one time actually just 2 months ago) I have made it through to Week 3 (PMS week) without "falling off the wagon" during Week 2. A very few times I have eaten right and exercised faithfully through Week 2. Do you know what happens? If I don't eat sugar and flour and get moderate exercise Aunt Flo arrives with almost ZERO PMS! I usually feel great up until about the day before and then I get grouchy and find myself strongly craving sweets. What generally happens in this situation is I go crazy for a day or two, binge a couple of times and don't exercise. Then Week 4 plays out pretty much the same as I stated above. I still don't exercise in Week 4 and I kindly give myself "treats" for braving the monthly "curse". So braving through and keeping up healthy habits during Week 2 is good but I still don't lose weight because whatever I lose in Week 1 & 2 I gain back in Week 4.
So as I type this I realize, the first thing I have to do is keep up the momentum during Week 2. Don't let anything get me off track because Week 3 is coming and she is a nasty bitch if I don't take care of myself during Week 2. You see I think I could just "push through" difficulties during Week 2. It could be challenging if I've been up all night with a sick kid or have a major event like putting together a Cub Scout Pack meeting BUT I'm not fighting my hormones too. So it's more of a physical fight than an emotional one. Once the emotions start, I just can't reason with that girl! I can't get her off her ass to save my life. She just cries and says, "Nobody loves me, who cares if I die early from heart disease! Please pass the brownies." You can't reason with PMS. So goal #1 is to make PMS as short and easy as possible by powering through the almost inevitable road blocks of Week 2.
But now on to Week 4. It would be hard to just "power through", I'm still a little emotional and tender. Maybe give myself 2-3 days and then try to force my self to get back to it? What do you do to coach yourself during PMS and Aunt Flo? My guess is most women eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's or an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels once or twice a month but how do you keep it from being more than just one incident? How do you recover when you are a hormonal beast and get back to healthy eating and exercise? I really, really want some ideas. Anyone? Anyone? How do you maintain healthy habits in the eye of the estrogen storm?
Aunt Flo is due any day. I don't think I can do much about Miss PMS at this point but what do I do once Auntie is here?
Week 1: After Aunt Flo Leaves Town
Right after my period is over and my hormones stabalize I am PUMPED and ready to get healthy and lose weight. In the week after Auntie Flo leaves, I clean out my kitchen of sugar and other crap and I schedule time to exercise (and actually do it). I feel fantastic! I'm happy, healthy chomping down on salads and busily cooking up new healthy recipes and some old favorites too. I take pictures of myself to start an accurate weight loss record and I also begin some sort of "weight loss journal". While I take long, vigorous walks around the neighborhood I fantasize about what I'm going to say to Oprah in my interview about how I lost all the weight. I start thinking about how I can't wait to buy clothes that are not in the "Plus Size" department and I scan JJill catalogs and dream about all the clothes I'm going to buy and how friggin' cute I will look in them! I imagine my family members faces when they see me for the first time after I lose all the weight. I see myself sitting with an umbrella drink on a white sandy beach with my (also newly slender) husband enjoying the sunset and then heading back to our hotel room to rediscover each other in our new bodies....TMI? Sorry. I usually lose 1-3 pounds during this week and feel optimistic and hopeful about a healthy future.
Week 2: A Few Obstacles Are Encountered
Something almost always happens that throws me off track. One of the kids gets sick and I have to stay up all night with them. So I'm too tired to exercise the next day but I still eat healthy. Then the next day I'm catching up with housework, bills, laundry etc and don't exercise because I can't seem to find the time. It's usually on day 2 I eat something that seems harmless but I know deep down is a "cheat" for me. Like yogurt covered pretzels for example. Then on day 3 I make a 1/2 attempt at exercise and eat something I'm really not supposed to or I just over eat something healthy. Day 4, it just keeps getting worse......you get the picture. By the end of the week I've find myself at a drive-thru window. I usually maintain the weight loss from the previous week or gain 1 lb back.
Week 3: Getting Progressively Out of Control
During this week Aunt Flo visit is getting close and I start snapping at my children. I bawl at something I wouldn't normally. Like an endearing commercial or say, writing a thank you email to my son's teacher (I did that today). So the hormones levels are dropping and I'm slowly becoming a cross between the Wicked Witch and Shrek. My family starts avoiding me. I hate the entire contents of my closet because they make me look like a blue whale. I have terrible, doubting thoughts about myself. I become convinced that everyone, even my own mother, hates me. I get easily frustrated and overwhelmed and begin to feel very, very anxious and then....voila! A pig out. Pizza with a Ben and Jerry's chaser, a supersized Jack in the Box meal, donuts for breakfast, lasanga for lunch and big beefy burritos for dinner. All topped off with a bucket of ice cream......Okay, so I'm exaggerating but not as much as I'd like to be. I try desperately every day to "get back on the wagon". I make a dramatic pledge every night to get up at 5am and go running (I don't run for exercise). I starve myself for an entire morning in an attempt to fast for the day, scourging myself only to give in and totally pig out around 3pm. And of course when I don't follow through on these unrealistic expectations for myself I begin to loathe myself and my thoughts turn very ugly. I always gain back whatever weight was lost in Week One and sometimes an extra pound or two with it.
Week 4: Good Ole Aunt Flo Comes for a Visit
As soon as my period arrives I feel almost instant relief. Physically, I'm not so good, I feel bloated, ugly and crampy but emotionally I gently mother myself and tell myself "it's all gonna be okay now". I begin to realize that the previous week was just PMS and I'm not a horrible person who can't stick to her goals. I have a reason "why" and it makes me feel better. I don't tend to eat horribly during this week but I don't really limit myself either. I don't usually binge but part of that "gentle mothering" of myself is to say to myself, "you've been through a lot dear, have a cookie." So I have a few cookies or treat myself to lunch at Panera. I definitely don't exercise during this week, I'm too physically uncomfortable. Towards the end of this week I'm already starting to make new plans for "Week One" and I'm optimistic about a healthy future again. I find myself anxious to get started on a new path. However, I tend to avoid the scale this week, I don't look at JJill catalogs or take any pictures of myself.
Now a very important note on the cycle above: a handful of times (one time actually just 2 months ago) I have made it through to Week 3 (PMS week) without "falling off the wagon" during Week 2. A very few times I have eaten right and exercised faithfully through Week 2. Do you know what happens? If I don't eat sugar and flour and get moderate exercise Aunt Flo arrives with almost ZERO PMS! I usually feel great up until about the day before and then I get grouchy and find myself strongly craving sweets. What generally happens in this situation is I go crazy for a day or two, binge a couple of times and don't exercise. Then Week 4 plays out pretty much the same as I stated above. I still don't exercise in Week 4 and I kindly give myself "treats" for braving the monthly "curse". So braving through and keeping up healthy habits during Week 2 is good but I still don't lose weight because whatever I lose in Week 1 & 2 I gain back in Week 4.
So as I type this I realize, the first thing I have to do is keep up the momentum during Week 2. Don't let anything get me off track because Week 3 is coming and she is a nasty bitch if I don't take care of myself during Week 2. You see I think I could just "push through" difficulties during Week 2. It could be challenging if I've been up all night with a sick kid or have a major event like putting together a Cub Scout Pack meeting BUT I'm not fighting my hormones too. So it's more of a physical fight than an emotional one. Once the emotions start, I just can't reason with that girl! I can't get her off her ass to save my life. She just cries and says, "Nobody loves me, who cares if I die early from heart disease! Please pass the brownies." You can't reason with PMS. So goal #1 is to make PMS as short and easy as possible by powering through the almost inevitable road blocks of Week 2.
But now on to Week 4. It would be hard to just "power through", I'm still a little emotional and tender. Maybe give myself 2-3 days and then try to force my self to get back to it? What do you do to coach yourself during PMS and Aunt Flo? My guess is most women eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's or an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels once or twice a month but how do you keep it from being more than just one incident? How do you recover when you are a hormonal beast and get back to healthy eating and exercise? I really, really want some ideas. Anyone? Anyone? How do you maintain healthy habits in the eye of the estrogen storm?
Aunt Flo is due any day. I don't think I can do much about Miss PMS at this point but what do I do once Auntie is here?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I need some accountability
Okay, so I started eating right over a week ago and I began to exercise 2 days ago. It's been good. I feel great! Getting sugar and flour out of my system always feels so fantastic I wonder why I ever eat them. And I love to exercise so the past 2 days have been fun buttttt...there's always a but! And mine is a pretty big butt so I have to quit making excuses and LOSE THIS WEIGHT!
Today I "slipped up". Just a little bit, not seemingly a big deal, I ate a few yogurt covered pretzels. I know, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. I'm not ready to snack on a handful of yogurt covered pretzels. I know I'm not ready because I honestly ate more than I planned to. However, I chose to acknowledge the mistake and move on. In the past I'd write off the whole day if I slipped up. It would start with a fairly harmless little snack and end up with pizza and brownies for dinner. So, I dun good, I dun good. I made sure my next meal was healthy and I refused to give myself permission to go totally off the wagon. Also, I patted myself on the back. Why? Because my "slip up" was almost a FAST FOOD LUNCH!!! I was hungry, I was out and about and I was a little stressed. Those three things usually land me at a drive-thru window BUT I held my ground! So between Jack-in-the-Crack and yogurt covered pretzels I chose the lesser of two evils and I gave myself kudos.
Now, for exercise. I knew day 3 would be the hardest. It always is when I'm trying to establish an exercise habit. I say to myself, "Self, you have worked out for 2 days and there are so many other things to do! Pay attention to other things." And then 3 months go by before I elevate my heart rate again. It's not because I don't want to exercise, like I said above, I like to exercise but I get behind in something else in my life because I was spending time working out. However, I honestly don't have the time to work out but have finally come to the conclusion that I need to lose weight and become healthier so something else will have to "give". Exercise has to be a priority!
You probably wonder what happened today. Well, I had an unexpected appointment, I had to take Monkey Man to the doctor this morning, and my whole morning was thrown off. By the time we got back from the doc, the grocery store and the pharmacy I was a bit pooped. I started to worry that I wouldn't work out today since it's getting on in the afternoon and I have bathrooms that are screaming to be cleaned not to mention a mound of laundry. But everyday I have something in my house that screams to be cleaned and I always have a mound of laundry. Soooo, I ate a healthy lunch, sat here and blogged a bit while it digested and now dear friends, I am going to get on some workout clothes and move my big butt! T-Tapp and Wii Fit...here I come!
Thanks you cyberspace for listening and holding me accountable.
Today I "slipped up". Just a little bit, not seemingly a big deal, I ate a few yogurt covered pretzels. I know, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. I'm not ready to snack on a handful of yogurt covered pretzels. I know I'm not ready because I honestly ate more than I planned to. However, I chose to acknowledge the mistake and move on. In the past I'd write off the whole day if I slipped up. It would start with a fairly harmless little snack and end up with pizza and brownies for dinner. So, I dun good, I dun good. I made sure my next meal was healthy and I refused to give myself permission to go totally off the wagon. Also, I patted myself on the back. Why? Because my "slip up" was almost a FAST FOOD LUNCH!!! I was hungry, I was out and about and I was a little stressed. Those three things usually land me at a drive-thru window BUT I held my ground! So between Jack-in-the-Crack and yogurt covered pretzels I chose the lesser of two evils and I gave myself kudos.
Now, for exercise. I knew day 3 would be the hardest. It always is when I'm trying to establish an exercise habit. I say to myself, "Self, you have worked out for 2 days and there are so many other things to do! Pay attention to other things." And then 3 months go by before I elevate my heart rate again. It's not because I don't want to exercise, like I said above, I like to exercise but I get behind in something else in my life because I was spending time working out. However, I honestly don't have the time to work out but have finally come to the conclusion that I need to lose weight and become healthier so something else will have to "give". Exercise has to be a priority!
You probably wonder what happened today. Well, I had an unexpected appointment, I had to take Monkey Man to the doctor this morning, and my whole morning was thrown off. By the time we got back from the doc, the grocery store and the pharmacy I was a bit pooped. I started to worry that I wouldn't work out today since it's getting on in the afternoon and I have bathrooms that are screaming to be cleaned not to mention a mound of laundry. But everyday I have something in my house that screams to be cleaned and I always have a mound of laundry. Soooo, I ate a healthy lunch, sat here and blogged a bit while it digested and now dear friends, I am going to get on some workout clothes and move my big butt! T-Tapp and Wii Fit...here I come!
Thanks you cyberspace for listening and holding me accountable.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm going to be honest for a change
Yeah. So I stepped on the scale on Monday of this week and saw a number I've never seen before. A number higher than even when I was pregnant with my first son (I gained a whooping 76 pounds with my first pregnancy). A number so high that I realize I HAVE to do something about my weight. I realize that I am now closer to 300 lbs than 200lbs. Yes, I have tipped over to.....drum roll please..... 260 lbs. There I typed it. It's in black and white for all of my three readers of this blog to see. No more hiding, no more justifications, no more lying to myself about the state of my health, just the plain hard facts. Two. Hundred. Sixty. I am fat and my health is in jeopardy.
It's not that I don't know how to lose weight. I've done it before quite successfully and in a healthy manner. I know what to eat, how much to eat and what to avoid. I know all the ways to keep myself on the right path. I know what types of exercise are most enjoyable for me and how to get the best results. So.....what's the problem? The problem is I don't know exactly what the problem is. But I have some idea....
I know I'm a stress eater. I have no other coping skills for high doses of stress than food. I can manages small-medium amounts of stress in healthy ways but big stress, no. I go straight for the fridge and chew and swallow until the knot in my stomach unclenches. There gets to be a point when I feel so torn in so many directions, so buried by the tasks at hand, so lost, so lonely, so embarrassed by my behavior that the only cure I know is to shove large amounts of food down my throat until my stomach is so full it can't be a big ball of stress anymore. I have found that when I try to just "power through" this stress and ignore my need to eat to "unclench" that it results in an even bigger binge somewhere later down the road. I can only ignore the tight stomach for so long before the beast needs to be "fed".
I have tried everything I can think of to reduce the effects of stress on me other than food. None of it works long term because none of it is as easy or satisfying as eating an enormous bowl of ice cream. I once heard someone say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." My honest response to that was, pardon my french but, bullshit. Food is my fast, easy fix that always makes me feel good. It gets me high. Food always comes through for me setting off that chemical reaction so all those little neurons or whatever, pump out the "happy hormones" until I feel like I'm on top of the world....for a while. It's a drug for me and I'm a total addict. I have lost the ability to fix my inner problems any other way.
I do realize now that my desire for food has taken over and it is now in control instead of me or better yet God. I said I was going to be honest and I meant it. I can't control this. I'm paralyzed, I can't solve this problem I have. But I still cling to the hope that He can. I have been praying and will continue to pray that God shows me what to do to get this desire for food out of the "driver's seat" in my life and put Him back in it. It sounds so cliche and it is a little bit but that doesn't make it true. I need God because I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I have nowhere else to go...I have lost my battle of the bulge. But I remain confident that nothing is impossible for God. I just have to turn it over to Him however, I need Him to help me do even that!
Prayer sisters! I ask for prayer. Prayer that I would allow God to do what needs to be done in my life. That I would soften, let my pride go and trust Him implicitly. Prayer that I would find the keys to permanent weight control. Prayer that I would listen when He tells me how to be free.
I weigh 260 lbs. I'm fat, out-of-shape and out of control. I am just a bite away from 300 lbs or more, I have one toe in the grave. It's time to be honest with myself and everyone. This post is my first step.
It's not that I don't know how to lose weight. I've done it before quite successfully and in a healthy manner. I know what to eat, how much to eat and what to avoid. I know all the ways to keep myself on the right path. I know what types of exercise are most enjoyable for me and how to get the best results. So.....what's the problem? The problem is I don't know exactly what the problem is. But I have some idea....
I know I'm a stress eater. I have no other coping skills for high doses of stress than food. I can manages small-medium amounts of stress in healthy ways but big stress, no. I go straight for the fridge and chew and swallow until the knot in my stomach unclenches. There gets to be a point when I feel so torn in so many directions, so buried by the tasks at hand, so lost, so lonely, so embarrassed by my behavior that the only cure I know is to shove large amounts of food down my throat until my stomach is so full it can't be a big ball of stress anymore. I have found that when I try to just "power through" this stress and ignore my need to eat to "unclench" that it results in an even bigger binge somewhere later down the road. I can only ignore the tight stomach for so long before the beast needs to be "fed".
I have tried everything I can think of to reduce the effects of stress on me other than food. None of it works long term because none of it is as easy or satisfying as eating an enormous bowl of ice cream. I once heard someone say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." My honest response to that was, pardon my french but, bullshit. Food is my fast, easy fix that always makes me feel good. It gets me high. Food always comes through for me setting off that chemical reaction so all those little neurons or whatever, pump out the "happy hormones" until I feel like I'm on top of the world....for a while. It's a drug for me and I'm a total addict. I have lost the ability to fix my inner problems any other way.
I do realize now that my desire for food has taken over and it is now in control instead of me or better yet God. I said I was going to be honest and I meant it. I can't control this. I'm paralyzed, I can't solve this problem I have. But I still cling to the hope that He can. I have been praying and will continue to pray that God shows me what to do to get this desire for food out of the "driver's seat" in my life and put Him back in it. It sounds so cliche and it is a little bit but that doesn't make it true. I need God because I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I have nowhere else to go...I have lost my battle of the bulge. But I remain confident that nothing is impossible for God. I just have to turn it over to Him however, I need Him to help me do even that!
Prayer sisters! I ask for prayer. Prayer that I would allow God to do what needs to be done in my life. That I would soften, let my pride go and trust Him implicitly. Prayer that I would find the keys to permanent weight control. Prayer that I would listen when He tells me how to be free.
I weigh 260 lbs. I'm fat, out-of-shape and out of control. I am just a bite away from 300 lbs or more, I have one toe in the grave. It's time to be honest with myself and everyone. This post is my first step.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year!
I really don't like to make resolutions because I have never followed a New Year Resolution through. So for years I haven't made any...officially. But...I always have goals for the year at the beginning of the year which I now realize is almost the same thing. I rarely follow through on these goals either so I have decided to make different goals this year that might help me achieve the old ones.
1) Old Goal: To read my Bible daily.
New Goal: To set aside time to read my Bible daily.
My thinking behind the new goal: I read in an article once that if you try to form a habit in baby steps often you will just complete the whole step. The author of the article said he was going to start a habit of running by just first only setting out his running clothes for the next morning. However he discovered that on the first morning where he had set out the running clothes, he decided to take a step further and went just running.
2) Old Goal: To lose weight.
The following New Goals should help me achieve the old goal.
New Goal: To change my relationship with food. To work on seeing it as enjoyable sustenance instead of something to use to make me feel better when I feel badly.
New Goal: To find ways to deal with bad feelings other than by eating.
New Goal: To set aside a time to exercise daily (see my thinking on New Goal #1 =})
New Goal: To eat at home almost exclusively and avoid pre-packaged foods. Whole, unadulterated food!
New Goal: To use Plan to Eat,
3) Old Goal: To have a clean house.
New Goal: To have the kids pick up their stuff every night before dinner.
4) Old Goal: To watch less TV.
New Goal: To try one new thing a month and do it at least once a week during regular TV viewing hours.
5) Old Goal: To make new friends.
New Goal: To join a "moms" group that a friend invited me to.
Okay, I think that's good enough. Have you made any New Year's Resolutions this year???
1) Old Goal: To read my Bible daily.
New Goal: To set aside time to read my Bible daily.
My thinking behind the new goal: I read in an article once that if you try to form a habit in baby steps often you will just complete the whole step. The author of the article said he was going to start a habit of running by just first only setting out his running clothes for the next morning. However he discovered that on the first morning where he had set out the running clothes, he decided to take a step further and went just running.
2) Old Goal: To lose weight.
The following New Goals should help me achieve the old goal.
New Goal: To change my relationship with food. To work on seeing it as enjoyable sustenance instead of something to use to make me feel better when I feel badly.
New Goal: To find ways to deal with bad feelings other than by eating.
New Goal: To set aside a time to exercise daily (see my thinking on New Goal #1 =})
New Goal: To eat at home almost exclusively and avoid pre-packaged foods. Whole, unadulterated food!
New Goal: To use Plan to Eat,
3) Old Goal: To have a clean house.
New Goal: To have the kids pick up their stuff every night before dinner.
4) Old Goal: To watch less TV.
New Goal: To try one new thing a month and do it at least once a week during regular TV viewing hours.
5) Old Goal: To make new friends.
New Goal: To join a "moms" group that a friend invited me to.
Okay, I think that's good enough. Have you made any New Year's Resolutions this year???
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